I woke up this morning in confusion. Sucks to be me.

What kills me is that Fhern was only a friend to Maria. He only wanted to talk to her and wantd to see her. He's a little bit in love with her, I think, and it just hit me in the face today. He's so eager to talk to her. He never wanted to be my friend. Not really. That's why guys are dogs. Ok, some guys, but the majority are nice.

I wanted Sebas and I to be together. I felt a connection together, but he's more likely and more apt to be with Katy. After all, she's taller, bustier, and more prettier than me. I'll admit that. She's also more hardcore emo than I am. More guys are likely to talk to her than me. Especially Sebas, since they sit so close to each other. He never talks to me. That's a sign that he's not interested. I learned that from Valerie and Fhern. We'd make a good couple together, I thought as past four months past by. Guys are dogshit.  

And I've got to remember constantly that Asian guys are either boring or rude/obnoxious.They're not good people. They'll lie and decieve you. They're either too serious or evil. And serius people don't make good boyfriends. They'll only tag you in everything and never leave you alone to flirt with other guys. And rude Asian guys are just looking for trouble or white girls. I don't think that I've seen one with an African-American female. The rude ones will be like, "So what?" or that they're too scared to talk. UGH. They're not everything. I've got to remember to demand more from my uncle. He needs to be tied up and trampled upon. I don't like that he's secretly hating me behind my back. Oh no no nooo he has to spill it all out to the school counselor. It sickens me to death. I need more shit, stupid fag uncle.

I need to make a decision to either kill myself or destroy myself but still live. I choose the destroy myelf but live, but the suicide seems so tempting. I've also decided to destroy my own face. I'll just lie to my parents and say that I got in a fight. And if anyone asks about the wound, I'll lie and say that I was in a car accident. I am so tired of being pretty. It's not like I have instant friends, instant love, and better grades. I'm not popular, I don't have a boyfriend, and I don't have many friends to die for. I also don't have good grades. Guys never talk to me. They are too scared. And the female population refused to be my friend because they know for sure that I'm a bitch. They like to be mean to me. (ahem. Valerie.)  Sure, teachers don't call me out on anything, but only its because they know that I'm good-looking.  

Nothing comes up roses for me. When I used to be ugly, I remember that I had friends. Even though I didn't have a boyfriend, people always used to say "hi" to me in the hallways and know my name. I also have gained teacher's respect. At least someone defended me when a someone else makes fun of me. Guys also liked me too. Ok, maybe a few guys admired me. Those were the good ole days. I missed it so much!

And the ugly girls get the perks. Sure they get make fun of a lot, but at least guys talk to them. There's a girl in my French class. Her name is Brittany and she is an outcast.She is also quiet and focuses on her work.She wears a lot of sweats (mostly brown and black sweatpants with a matching hoodie). Even though some (ok, two) guys make fun of her, the good side to that is that a lot of people talks to her. They like to say "hi" or "how's your weekend?" to her. One time, a lot of people cheered for her when she brough the wrong thing for our presentation in class. The wrong thing was Nesquik, which was a part of our food presentation in class. She was supposed to bring Swiss chocolates because we were supposed to do a menu on Swiss foods in French. (Nesquik is American chocolate syrup.) A lot of people in our class started saying "Nesquik!" and "Brittany!" out loud.

Only one guy talks to me in French class. Only one person talks to me in class. Only one person actually initates a conversation with me.

Ashley Vaughn, the blind albino girl in my homeroom last semester, have many friends. Everyone wants to be her friend so badly. I would know because I've seen her talk to so many people. Her Facebook Wall is also loaded with messages.

Did I also mention that ugly girls get the guy so easily? Of course, that's somewhat true because guys wouldn't think about cheating on them. Guys are too scared to make a  move to a beautiful girl and they might feel that the pretty girls will cheat on them. They don't want to risk it, of course, and need to be with ugly girls. Guys only see ugly girls' personalities and see their true self. Guys don't care that they're not beautiful. Guys only cared that ugly girls look somewhat ok. Beautiful girls, however, is only vacuous and empty-headed. They hate that beautiful girls would flirt with many guys and fear cheating. Guys, therefore, wouldn't want to be tied down and decides to cheat first. They have to make the move first so they wouldn't get hurt later.    

If I weren't so pretty, then more guys would just talk to me. The scars would make a great conversation piece. At least no one is scared anymore. And I'll have many friends.  I need to be ugly. Very ugly. I'm already fearless, so the combination would make a good match together.